The Tyrannical Mullet
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Once upon a time there was an odd boy living his life happily in a private international oil tycoon’s campus somewhere in Malaysia… life was good for a time, but nothing can last forever…

Fate did not strike this poor boy in the way that so many films like to portray - no, his was a war of attrition.

Like all young boys at about the age of 4, hair on the head is not something they concern themselves with; and this was to be the undoing of the child named Robert Meerman.

The hair on his head began to grow faster than most, which pleased the young boy as it offered him protection from the strong sun outside and kept him dry when it rained – the mother thought fast hair-growth was a sign of health and the issue was left alone for quite some time.

It began to become apparent that the hair was slowly going out of control, when Rob was about 10. His mother was attempting to tame the beastly thing when she accidentally cut the poor boy’s ear, not too seriously, but the betrayal was something the hair would not forgive! She had injured the body the hair lived off! Looking back now it is obvious that this was when the hair started its diabolical scheme. The hair’s first success was in convincing that child that the mother had every intention of doing it again, and so the father attempted to cut it a few hours later and also cut the boy ( on his other ear this time ) .. the parents deemed that the child simply had too much hair, and would have to endure the pain.

Skipping forward past unpleasant years of leaving home for a God-forsaken country (it must have been abandoned by God, how else do you explain a place where sunshine is a massive conversation piece and rain is more plentiful than air?) called England, we come to the period in life where hair starts to grow on the face...

The hair’s grip was strong, as it had convinced the boy that it ( the hair ) was necessary for happiness. The teaching staff at the boarding school saw this as “teenage rebellion” but in truth the adolescent’s mind was being contaminated…

For a time it appeared that the parent’s plan of sending the problematic hair to a strict boarding school (where they hoped it would be disciplined) had some success. For at least a year the hair had been shaven so as to be less than 2 cm at any time… Rob was free for a while and felt more energetic than ever…

Alas, important end-of-school exams arrived in the last year and forced the free Rob to think only of work, neglecting the slumbering beast on his scalp. The hair saw it chance and the deeply-locked fury within it was awaken, it was no longer “hair” but a full-out mullet! The most feared of hair! It took grip of the poor Rob faster than the horror of realising the work you thought was done, is in fact not! Despite the rapid growth of the furious mullet, Rob managed to pass his end-of-school exams and even got into a University… Interestingly Rob decided upon a degree in Computer Science… interesting for reason which I will explain to you , the patient audience, after a small side-tracking.

The hair’s power by this time was absolute. There was nothing poor Rob could do about it, perhaps he was not even aware it had such a strong grip on him… One thing is certain, it began to think and affect Rob in more and more obvious ways.

The most obvious way by far is this man’s intense love of Japanese cartoons which he refers to as “Anime”. You see, the hair, in all its incredible power, had such complete control that the war with Rob was over, it had conquered the life form. Now it sought to improve itself into the ultimate being. While Rob was working diligently in Hong Kong it noticed the incredible lack of interesting hair-beings like itself. On the other hand the Japanese cartoon culture is very alive in the Hong Kong markets and soon was noticed by the mullet because of the amazing hair styles that all the main characters sport. The mullet saw an opportunity to learn about other possible ways of life and before Rob knew what was happening he had a vast collection: 100s of episodes of insane haired characters battling with aliens and even romantic comedies! For a time, the hair had found something to hold its interest and attention. This was the opportunity for Rob to restart the war and attempt to regain control… which is where we come back to Computer Science.

Why would any normal person want to study something as stressful and boring as Computers? Let alone about the overly pedantic control structures and maths involved in building the damn things!? Let us think about this more abstractly…

The degree of Computer Science will develop extremely intense problem solving skills (the most famous of them being the “Divide and Conquer” approach to any problem, where they take everything apart to learn its weakness; and hence how to control it).

A psychological study of Robert Meerman revealed that while the mullet had complete control of the conscious mind, the sub conscious was aware of the mullet’s evil grasp over the body they both lived off. Through agonising efforts on the sub-conscious’ part it was able to partly convey the message to the conscious mind that this poor victim is what in medical circles is known as “80s hair”.

While unable to inform poor Rob that it was the puppet of a massive mullet; it was able to steer Rob’s interests into a field which had prospects of saving Rob. Yes, perhaps learning problem-solving techniques would enable Rob to eventually find a cure to his predicament and allow him to break free through what he now believes to be “hacking”.

Let us hope that he can break away from the mullet which now sits loftily on his scalp; basking in the warm glow of its self-satisfaction.

Spotted a mistake? Can you think of something better? Can you? Hmm? Well, Can you? Eh? CAN YOU EH? Didn't think so. If you want me to confirm this for you, email me.

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